How To Teach A Child To Apologize Genuinely
An apology goes beyond I’m sorry.
If you’ve been around a group of kids playing, you may have noticed that things don’t always go smoothly. One may snatch the other’s toy because they like it and refuse to give it back. Another child may push or hit their friend. Lots of yelling and crying can also be involved. The challenge comes in when you tell them to apologize. Most of them don’t see the need, some mumble a forced apology while others feel it’s unfair that they should be saying sorry yet the other kid(s) started it.
As adults, we know the importance of an apology. This simple gesture can mend broken relationships, recover lost trust, make the other person feel that we care about them, and also help us to take responsibility for our actions.
“An apology is the superglue of life!” — Lynn Johnston
That is why it’s important for us to teach our children this art of conflict resolution. Keep reading to find out how you can help a child learn how to give a genuine apology.
1. Apologize when you’re wrong
This may be a difficult concept to grasp because we always like to think that we can never be wrong because we are adults and we have the right to do whatever we want.
What you don’t realize is that our kids copy our actions, literally. I can’t count the number of times I’ve caught my daughter crossing her legs when I cross mine, standing up when I get up, and so on. At first, I thought it was weird but then it hit me that she wants to be like me because she believes I’m the best person in this universe. Of course, that’s not true, I have my flaws but her young mind doesn’t understand that.
When she was 2 years old, I noticed that she would use the words, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘thank you’ a lot. Then I realized that I do the same even with her. If I ask her to pass me my phone charger and she does, I say thank you, and if I turn around suddenly and hit her because I didn’t know she was behind me, I tell her sorry.
It doesn’t matter how many times you tell a child she/he needs to apologize. If you don't do it, they won’t see the need to apologize.
2. Use empathy
Sometimes, the child you’re teaching to apologize was harmed by another person and that’s why they retaliated. Although it’s not right to encourage them to lash back, you can’t ignore what they went through.
That is why it’s important to let them know that you sympathize with the fact that maybe John pushed them on the floor first before addressing the issue of them hitting John back.
Tell that you understand how bad they must have felt when John did that and you understand why they were angry. Then you can give them an alternative of what they could have done. For example, they could have walked away and talked to John after they have calmed down.
If your child was the one who pushed another child, ask them to imagine how they would feel if someone did that to them. Empathy helps children to give sincere apologies because they understand how their actions affected another person. This makes it easy to get to the next step because they won’t apologize just to get off the hook.
3. Tell them to say the words ‘sorry’
Now that your child is ready to apologize, how do they go about it?
An apology needs to have either of these words ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’.
When you use these words, it means you’re taking responsibility for what you did and are not trying to come up with excuses for your behavior.
Let them add what they did to these words to come up with a complete apology. For example;
- I’m sorry for snatching your toy
- I apologize for hitting you. Please forgive me.
- I’m sorry for saying mean things to you
- I was wrong for telling other kids lies about you. I’m sorry
An apology should be focused on what the person saying sorry did and not the actions of the other person because that makes it ingenuine. For example, they can’t say things like, ‘I’m sorry you are mad.’ ‘You made me do it.’ These are not genuine apologies.
4. Give the child a chance for a redo
Everyone deserves a second chance and this includes children. Yes, a child might have messed up but you can give them a chance to learn from it and make things right even if this will be for future events.
Any good apology has 3 parts: 1)I’m sorry 2)It’s my fault 3)What can I do to make it right? Most people forget the third part. “ — Unknown
If the child told lies about another child, you can use steps 2 and 3 above to get her to apologize. After that, ask them what they would like to do to make the other child feel better. You might be surprised when they give them a hug or share their toy with them on top of the apology.
Sometimes, a child cannot go back and apologize if the person they wronged is not around. Maybe they did that while you were visiting a friend or family, when you were on the road, or even at the grocery store.
What you can do in this case is guide them through role-play. Pretend that you are the person they wronged and ask them to give an apology. Also, you can recreate the scenario that happened (if it’s not dangerous) and ask the child how they would react again if the same thing happened. For example, snatch their toy and see if they will hit you as they did with another child before or if they’ll politely ask you to give it back.
This exercise will let you know that whether they have learned something or not.
5. Start when they’re young
This is simple. It’s easier for a child to grow up with a habit if they practiced it from the time they were young compared to introducing them to it when they’re a little grown.
If you teach a child to apologize from a young age, it will be second nature to them.
In Summary
We all want to have good-hearted children who offer genuine apologies when their actions hurt someone. However, this doesn't come automatically. We have to put in the work. The 5 ways we’ve discussed in this article will help you instill the art of apology in a child. Don’t be frustrated when it doesn’t work the first time. Rome was not built in a day. When you’re consistent, you will see results.
